We need something interesting enough to take our minds off all these things without having enough relevance to reality to remind us of them, even accidentally. We need The Hottitude of Servitude, a filthy, disgusting, reprehensible, copiously illustrated and most of all FUN series of essays and reviews about proper portrayal of slavegirls in mainstream (i.e., not pornographic) movies that contain slavegirls as characters. The central concept of the book is as simple as it ought to be: slavegirls are characters who are uniquely sexy, given that whole mildly kinky attraction they have, and should be used by filmmakers to crank up the film's sexiness to whatever level is desired. They are also uniquely useful in this regard, and when properly used, can crank up the hottitude without slowing down the film's pace or detracting from plot or characterization.
The Hottitude of Servitude looks at every kind of slavegirl look from the baggy, shapeless tunics popular for female slavegirls of the Italian sword and sorcery movies known as peplum to the general nakedness of slavegirls in 1980s big-hair-and-bare-breasts sword and sandal movies such as Barbarian Queen and all points in between. While we're at it we'll take plenty of opportunity to snark at the movies that provide the slavegirl imagery, taking time to enjoy such phenomena as the Stupidest Civil Engineering Project in the History of Civilization (from Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon) the Triangles of Death and the Irregular Polygons of Doom from (from Taur and the Amazon Women) Most Thoroughly Deposed King Ever (from Deathstalker) and many, many other snarkworthy products of such movies.
In addition, there will be semi-genuine contributions to film theory, in the form of the Grand Unified Cheese Theory, which is nothing less than a theory that allows filmmakers to create stories that will be appealing to audiences, even without great writing or directing skills! It is explained in the review of Buck Rogers and the Planet of the Slavegirls, which is perhaps the most powerful example of missing cheese in film (or television) history. And this is in a genre in which there is a movie called "Sorceress" in which there is no character who is a sorceress!
In addition there is the Plausible Deniability theory to explain the enormous popular appeal of Slave Leia from Star Wars, as well as an examination of the underlying mechanics of slavegirl roleplay to explain its popular appeal outside fetish circles (it's not just for perverts any more!). There's also an examination of the Slavegirl Mystique to explain the particular appeal of slavegirls as uber-damsels in distress. And let's not forget the Three Legged Stool of Sword and Sandal/Sorcery movies.
You can be sure that at no time is this theorizing allowed to slow down the ogling of slavegirls or the snarking of the movies they appear in … for that would in itself be a violation of Grand Unified Cheese Theory, since these are two of the chief attractions of this book!
So we have slavegirls ogled, hilariously bad films snarked and Grand Unified Cheese Theory, all rolled into a book that is exactly the same kind of guilty pleasure as its subject matter, but with a light patina of intellectual nattering to make it seem almost respectable. It's not just a guilty pleasure, it's a plausibly deniable guilty pleasure!